Hanging By A Moment
by DebajoDeLaCafeina
Summary: Ziva reflects on her feelings for Abby. Utterly plotless Zabby oneshot, and songfic for Lifehouse's 'Hanging By A Moment'. I wrote it in twenty minutes and in my opinion it's terrible, but reviews are still always appreciated.


_(A/N and Disclaimer: Holy ravioli, it's been a long time since I uploaded anything here! Apologies to everyone who's read and reviewed my as-yet unfinished stories - a busy start of term and writer's block have seen to it that I haven't written anything fit to be shown here for quite a while. And I'm working on a fanfic with someone that I'm trying to make my priority, since I lost my first draft of the first chapter self-headslap. But I wrote this in twenty minutes after listening to a song that reminded me of someone, so... here it is. **It's non-explicit Zabby femmeslash and a songfic to Lifehouse's 'Hanging By A Moment' **with no real plot, and it's dedicated to... well, she knows who she is. **And I own neither the song or anything from or connected with the fabulous NCIS** - if I did, Zabby and McNozzo would be mandatory and any cast members who objected would be chained up in a small room and forced to listen to my excruciatingly awful guitar playing until they relented. (I promise you I'm joking about that last bit, before ) __Okay, here goes...)_

* * *

_Desperate for changing,  
Starving for truth,  
I'm closer to where I started  
While chasing after you..._

_I'm falling even more in love with you,  
Letting go of all I've held on to,  
I'm standing here until you make me move,  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you.._

Ziva's absolute favourite thing to do was to curl up beside Abby, her arm around the Goth's shoulder and Abby's arm around her waist or leg with their free hands linked and their fingers interlaced. Somehow, they always ended up leaning against each other; her head on Abby's shoulder and Abby's head resting against hers, or vice-versa. And every so often, Abby would kiss Ziva gently on the forehead or cheek or the back of her hand. It made Ziva feel so safe - for once in her life, she didn't feel as if she needed to be looking out for some immediate threat. She trusted Abby completely, and although it wasn't something she was used to, knowing that Abby wasn't about to hurt her allowed her to relax around her and just... be. There was no case to worry about, no DiNozzo to head-slap for some chauvinistic remark, nothing to worry about or be scared of. She could just sit there with Abby and enjoy the other woman's presence. It made her want to laugh and cry simultaneously. Never before in her life had she felt so protected, or loved.

_Forgetting all I'm lacking,  
Completely incomplete  
I'll take your invitation,  
You take all of me now..._

_Loved._ It was a pleasant surprise to Ziva whenever Abby told her she loved her, or said it back to her. She had never expected that she would fall in love, let alone with a woman, or indeed a woman like Abby. Ziva had always been told that it wasn't a thing she could ever deserve, and she still believed it. Looking at Abby, she had no idea why a beautiful, intelligent person like her could ever want someone like her. When she had finally admitted to Abby that she liked her 'in that way' and their relationship had begun, amidst the strange cocktail of shock and elation she had held on to the knowledge that they could be over by the end of the day, or the end of the week. It had been drummed into Ziva not to get too attached, not to let her guard down for anyone. She hadn't expected them to last. But the days became weeks, and the weeks stretched into months. And over that time, she had opened up almost completely to Abby without really knowing why, as her feelings for the other woman grew even stronger. She still knew that there was always the chance that she could mess up completely and that would be the end of them as a couple; but she had made up her mind to enjoy every moment they had together before that happened. There would only ever be one Abby, and she knew from experience how easily people could disappear out of your life forever.

_I'm falling even more in love with you,  
Letting go of all I've held on to,  
I'm standing here until you make me move,  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you..._

They were an odd couple, Ziva knew that; and not just because they both happened to be female. Emotionless killing-machine Israeli officers falling for bubbly, Gothic forensic scientists didn't exactly fit the status quo; but that wasn't the only reason their relationship never ceased to amaze Ziva. Abby was gorgeous, intelligent, happy, loving and incredible in every possible way. Ziva was... in truth, she didn't know what she was. She was an officer. She was trained to kill, and had terrible trouble expressing her feelings without resorting to violence. She didn't have a hope in Hell of ever being a fraction as smart or as beautiful as Abby always would be. So Ziva had absolutely no idea why Abby, who could take her pick from anyone she liked and make them beg her to choose them as she did so, wanted her. More than once she had asked Abby, but as much as she appreciated the sweet compliments Abby gave her in return she couldn't believe them. Too many people had told her the opposite. And nobody needed to tell her that she didn't deserve to be with someone like Abby. But she had more or less stopped caring how or why their relationship worked - she only cared that it did.

_I'm living for the only thing I know,  
I'm running and not quite sure where to go,  
And I don't know what I'm diving into,  
Just hanging by a moment here with you..._

Even when Abby held her, the lingering fear that this would be the last time she did so never left Ziva. She wasn't supposed to be scared of anything - after all, she could probably incapacitate most people's darkest fears blindfolded with any weapon you cared to name - but her secret fear was that one day Abby would realize that she had made a terrible mistake in being with her, and finish their relationship immediately; or that Abby would somehow be killed, and taken away from Ziva in a manner that left no room for reconciliation. She had known grief, but she knew that losing Abby - the woman who had got under Ziva's skin, stolen her heart and made her fall in love with her - would take away so much from her, and plunge her back into the hopeless, impenetrable darkness she had known so well only a year or two previously; a place she had no desire to revisit. And no matter how many times Abby told her she felt the same way for Ziva as she did for her, despite the fact that she would trust Abby with her life if she had to; she didn't believe that Abby felt the same way as Ziva did. What could she ever have done to merit those feelings from Abby? She didn't deserve to be loved by anyone, let alone her. But she pushed these negative thoughts to the back of her mind whenever possible. There was a time to reflect on the past, to focus on the present, and to plan for the future. Abby was here-and-now; and, all 'what-if?'s aside, she had long since decided to concentrate on what she had now rather than what she had to lose.

_There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find,  
There's nothing in the world that can change my mind,  
There is nothing else,  
There is nothing else,  
There is nothing else..._

_Desperate for changing,  
Starving for truth,  
I'm closer to where I started  
While chasing after you..._

A lot of people had expressed shock, disgust and outrage - sometimes all three at once - at them being together. Ziva had lost count of the odd looks they had received from complete strangers passing by as they walked along holding hands, and they hadn't dared tell their families yet for fear of what they would think, what they could do. But none of this seemed particularly important anymore; and she was reminded why when Abby laughed, when she kissed Ziva in the elevator, when she mouthed _'I love you'_ to her from across the lab, and when she walked into the room with a smile on her face and caffeine in her hand - inadvertently taking Ziva's breath away every time.

_I'm falling even more in love with you,  
Letting go of all I've held on to,  
I'm standing here until you make me move,  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you.  
I'm living for the only thing I know,  
I'm running and not quite sure where to go,  
And I don't know what I'm diving into,  
Just hanging by a moment here with you..._

_Just hanging by a moment...  
Hanging by a moment...  
Hanging by a moment..._

She had Abby, and Abby knew that Ziva was hers for as long as she wanted her. And that was enough.

_Hanging by a moment here with you..._


End file.
